Are You Willing to Pay For Love if it Cost You Everything

“Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’” (Luke 14:27-30 ESV)

I professed my faith in Jesus around the age of 7 years old. I was around a camp fire at a church camp, when my Aunt Laurie approached me with the most important question that every human will wrestle with; “Do you want to know who Jesus is?” Nodding my head “yes,” she led me over to where my Mother was, and the two of them explained the Gospel to me and prayed over me. That night changed the trajectory of my life forever. When I was in 8th grade I read this quote that would instill a life long excavation within my own heart, mind, and soul to find the meaning of this. It goes as follows; “Are you willing to pay for love if it cost you everything?”

During my years of high school, tension began to stir within my family. And the adversary who is an opportunist took this opportunity to begin filling my heart to the brim with a very powerful word. The adversary began sowing into my heart a very demonic and guileful word. As I continued in my walk with the Lord, though I believe I still had salvation; this word is what would lead me to begin supplementing my wounds and traumas with a blunt, to begin drowning out my sorrow and insecurities with a bottle, to chase after women and pay checks and a certain level of status in order to have an identity. It is this same word that leads the American church down a dark path; that leads pastors who get exposed of living in adultery, it is this same word that leads Christian church camps like Kamp Kanakuk to be under investigation for being a ring of child sexual abusers. It is this same word that the adversary has used since Genesis 3. A demonic strategy to pull you and I away from the Father. This wicked word called compromise.

Jesus answered, “I told you that I am he. So, if you seek me, let these men go.” This was to fulfill the word that he had spoken: “Of those whom you gave me I have lost not one.” Then Simon Peter, having a sword, drew it and struck the high priest's servant and cut off his right ear. (The servant's name was Malchus.) So Jesus said to Peter, “Put your sword into its sheath; shall I not drink the cup that the Father has given me?” (John 18:9-11 ESV)

Then they seized him and led him away, bringing him into the high priest's house, and Peter was following at a distance. And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them. Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “This man also was with him.” But he denied it, saying, “Woman, I do not know him.” And a little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” But Peter said, “Man, I am not.” And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted… (Luke 22:54-59a ESV)

One of the servants of the high priest, a relative of the man whose ear Peter had cut off, asked, “Did I not see you in the garden with him?” (John 18:26 ESV)

Then he began to invoke a curse on himself and to swear, “I do not know the man.” And immediately the rooster crowed. (Matthew 26:74 ESV)

And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly. (Luke 22:61-62 ESV)

Jesus has a special relationship with Peter throughout His three years of ministry. But something different happens this night in their relationship. A tension is birthed for the first time. In John 17, the High Priestly Prayer, we see Jesus pray over Himself. Confessing His own identity in verse 1-5, affirming Psalm 110:1 “The Lord says to my Lord ‘sit at my right hand, until I make your enemies your footstool.’” Showing that Jesus will partake in the sharing of God’s glory. Jesus then prays over the disciples, confessing His assignment in verse 19, affirming Exodus 13:1-2/11-16 “The Lord said to Moses,“ Consecrate to me all the firstborn. Whatever is the first to open the womb among the people of Israel, both of man and of beast, is mine…Every firstborn of a donkey you shall redeem with a lamb, or if you will not redeem it you shall break its neck. Every firstborn of man among your sons you shall redeem. And when in time to come your son asks you, ‘What does this mean?’ you shall say to him, ‘By a strong hand the Lord brought us out of Egypt, from the house of slavery.” Showing that Jesus has consecrated Himself as the ultimate and final sacrifice delivering His people from sin and judgement. Jesus then prays for the Church, confessing His deep desire to be with them in Glory, affirming Hosea 3:5 “Afterward the children of Israel shall return and seek the Lord their God, and David their king, and they shall come in fear to the Lord and to his goodness in the latter days.” Showing that Jesus will redeem His children and dwell with them in Glory. In the final moments of this upper-room discourse, Jesus models for you and I what it is to abide in the Christian Ethic of self-control. To live in this tension between your feelings and your theology. The humanity of Christ to know that He just sent Judas away to set into motion His arrest; the anxiety that is beginning to build which we know He carries because of His personal prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane - but to have the self-control over His flesh (or His feelings) and to remind Himself of His theology. It is in this tension that Jesus brings His identity, His assignment, and His desire back under the authority of His theology.

It is this night where what Jesus prophesied over Peter will come to fruition:

Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, where are you going?” Jesus answered him, “Where I am going you cannot follow me now, but you will follow afterward.” Peter said to him, “Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times.(John 13:36-38 ESV)

It is during this time in the upper-room that Jesus tells Peter that before the morning you will deny me. The significance in this is that Peter has the correct response. In John 15, just a short couple moments later in this same night, Jesus will tell His disciples no greater love then this that one should lay down his life for his brother. So why does Jesus rebuke Peter in this moment? Because Jesus knows that without the power of The Holy Spirit, that Peter will never be able to lay down his life for Him. Let us go back to Peter in the courtyard, and the woman accuses Peter of being a disciple for the first time. Peter rejects his identity as a disciple. Another woman accuses Peter of being a disciple. Again Peter rejects his identity as a disciple. Once more; a man, the cousin of Malchus, who witness Peter cut his ear off accuses Peter of being a disciple. Again Peter rejects his identity as a disciple. The Lord, knowing that Peter’s desire is to die for Him allows Peter’s true heart to be exposed. In His wisdom, knowing that Peter’s heart is full of compromise. So the Lord allows life to begin to crush Peter over, and over, and over. Revealing Peter’s heart, filled to the brim with compromise. The Lord knows that you and I are full of the same exact compromise. We desire so heavily to have a massive ministry, to have a business doing 7 figures, to have a white picket fence and large family. These all sound like virtuous things, but we ask and beg the Lord for these things and in God’s wisdom He does not immediately give them to us. In his wisdom He transforms our hearts in order that we may have the character that is required to steward those things and they don’t become an idol in our hearts, they don’t become our savior, they don’t lead us into pride. In God’s wisdom He will remove all of that compromise that has been sown into our hearts, that it may not lead us away from Him.

After Peter rejects Christ for the third time scripture says that the Lord looked over at Peter, and Peter returned the gaze towards Him, and after meeting the Lord’s eyes Peter left that area and wept bitterly. I heard one pastor say that Peter wept bitterly in this moment because Peter felt Jesus’ mercy for him. I believe that is true. Because that is God’s character. But this is Peter who has been at the side of the Lord for three years. Peter has felt Jesus’ mercy before and has never wept bitterly. This is Peter we are talking about; the man who professed “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God” And Jesus says that upon you I will build my church. Then shortly after Peter says to Jesus “Far be it from you Lord, this shall never happen to you.” Jesus then turns to him and says get behind me Satan; He rebukes Peter for attempting to intercede in the Lord’s assignment. Peter has felt Jesus’ mercy. The man who Jesus called out to climb over the boat and to walk on water, and when Peter took his eyes off Jesus he began to sink, crying out for help Christ reaches down and snatches him from the consuming waves and brings him unto the boat. Peter has felt Jesus’ mercy. The man who when approached by tax collectors of the temple inquiring if Jesus paid His temple tax and Peter speaks for the Lord and says “Yes,” and Jesus corrects Him and says that the Son does not pay a tax to the King, but since you have spoken this go and fish and you will find two shekels in the fishes mouth to pay for your tax and my tax. Peter has felt Jesus’ mercy. The man who fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane as Jesus is praying in great sorrow, and Jesus comes to Peter and says to him stay awake and pray that you may not be led into temptation; falling asleep again. Soon after the soldiers come to arrest Jesus and Peter in attempt to intercede in Jesus’ assignment cuts off the ear of a high priest soldier, and Jesus performs a miracle in front of them all and restores the ear of Malchus. The soldiers doing nothing to Peter but instead letting him go - Peter who just acted out attempted murder. Peter has felt Jesus’ mercy.

So why does Peter weep bitterly after he denies Jesus three times, and his eyes meet Christ. I believe it is because for the first time in three years, Jesus is silent. Jesus looks at Peter and has not abandoned him, but He does vindicate him in that moment. For the first time in three years Peter feels the weight of what it cost to be a true disciple of Christ. Jesus looks at Peter and for the first time says nothing, He looks at Peter and says no Peter this time I will not bail you out immediately. This time I am going to allow you to sit in your compromise. You are going to feel the conviction of what it is to be my disciple. Peter has the inclination of putting his own foot in his mouth. Of saying whatever needs to be said to fit in. In order to try to deflect anyone seeing his insecurity he will put on a mask of pride and say things that would allow him to fit in. For three years, every time Peter would do this, Jesus in His mercy and deep love for Peter would vindicate for him. Jesus would intercede for him, correcting, coaching and counseling him; saving him from the situation he has put himself in. But tonight, since Jesus’ words do not fall to the floor, and everything He speaks will come to fruition. Peter speaks out of arrogance; in the compromise of his own heart Peter falls back to the man he has always been and tries his very best to say anything and everything to fit in. Going as far as speaking curses over himself. Doing whatever he can do to wear a mask as he lives in this tension between his feelings and his theology. And the Lord allows Peter’s circumstances to crush his heart. For Peter to see the deception that lives within himself. To understand the amount of strength that is required of him to have real Godly courage. Grief overwhelms Peter; as he leaned into his feelings and not his theology, he professed his compromise and not his conviction.

It is prophetic that Gethsemane translates to “oil press,” that it was in that place that Jesus crushed the last bit of His flesh in prayer. He surrendered the final bit of His will to the Father’s will, privately. Any compromise that dwelt in the heart of Christ was crushed in that hour of sorrow. But Peter didn’t obey His commandment that He gave him in private. Peter disobeyed when Jesus told him to pray to not be led into temptation. So when the hour came, the compromise that was living in Peter crushed him publicly. This should remind you and I, that there is consequences to our disobedience. That we cannot blatantly disobey something that God has spoken to us and think that it will just bypass us and that God’s grace will carry us right past what it is that He was trying to protect us from. There is wisdom in being obedient. Even when we don’t understand. But God is a God of redemption. Like Peter, God will allow life to crush us. To expose the compromise in our hearts. To bring forth the parts of our heart that we hate and we try to hide. Over, and over, and over opportunities will arise where the compromise living in our heart will be exposed. And in God’s wisdom, He allows it to crush us, eventually till there is nothing left. The oil is empty. And we finally feel the conviction of the cost to follow Christ. But God is a God of redemption. Now that you are crushed and empty, He begins to pour.

…with Annas the high priest and Caiaphas and John and Alexander, and all who were of the high-priestly family. And when they had set them in the midst, they inquired, “By what power or by what name did you do this?” Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, said to them, “Rulers of the people and elders, if we are being examined today concerning a good deed done to a crippled man, by what means this man has been healed, let it be known to all of you and to all the people of Israel that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead—by him this man is standing before you well. This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”

Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus. (Acts 4:6-13 ESV)

I love the scriptures. Filled with the Holy Spirit, Peter becomes the man he has always wanted to be. Who he was deigned to be. Bold. Peter is thugged out now. Look at who Peter is talking to; Annas and Caiaphas. The same men who were in the temple that night prosecuting Jesus while Peter was in the courtyard rejecting Him. Peter is professing with boldness to the same men that killed his Christ. God has redeemed Peter, and through Peter Jesus’ word comes to fruition because His word never falls to the floor. It is through Peter that Jesus builds His church. It is through Peter that the first ministry after Christ is ever executed. Peter now professes the conviction of what it is to be a real disciple. In Peter’s first sermon ever in Acts 2:34 he quotes the Psalmist proclaiming the identity of Christ sharing Glory saying “The Lord says to my Lord, ‘sit at my right hand, until I make your enemies your footstool.’” That sounds familiar. Psalm 110:1, the same Psalm that Jesus was affirming in His High Priestly Prayer. Peter no longer falls into the ensnarement of his feelings, but his theology. In Peter’s letters, the essential message that he imparts upon his audience is exhortation to endure suffering for Christ sake and maintain hope. What a transformed heart.

This was me, living with compromise in my heart for 10 years. From the age of 16 to 26, until one day the Lord said enough. That day was July 3rd, through a catalyst event that the Lord allowed and would use to begin a season of crushing me. It is in this season that I was still pursuing my sales career which took me out to Tulsa, OK where my eyes met the Lord’s eyes and in that moment the Lord was silent. Though He never abandoned me (Joshua 1:5), He allowed everything to begin to crash around me. My mental health, my finances, my romantic relationship, my career, my identity, everything that was an idol within my heart began to crash down. And I cried out to God in my hotel room pleading with Him and the Lord was silent. He looked down upon me and said “No Taylor this time I will not bail you out immediately, this time you will feel the weight of your compromise and I am going to allow your life circumstances to crush you. No, today is the day Taylor you are going to feel deep conviction over what it is to be my disciple. You are going to feel what the cost is to carry your cross and follow me.” Because sometimes the most merciful and loving thing that God will do is to withhold Himself from rescuing you from everything that you place above Him, in order that clarity may be reached in seeing what it is that you truly worship. It was in this season that life crushed every bit of compromise that has been sown into my heart for the past decade. It was in this season that In God’s love for me He allowed my heart to be wrung out of every insecurity, every false identity, every idol that I have propped up. It was in this season that God in His wisdom emptied me of everything I had. The oil press pressed until it was dry. It was in this season that God in His patience towards me to reach repentance; isolated me and took me to the garden in private and commanded me to deal with the compromise in my heart. It is in this season that God, once seeing that my heart has been pressed and crushed of everything I love more then Him - that He began to fill me up with His Spirit. He began to pour out His anointing, His wisdom, His understanding, He began to pour out His oil. It was in this season that I began to rise out of the ashes; with a boldness that has never been there before. With a confidence that was not my own. It was in this season that through the power of the Holy Spirit, I finally had the strength to begin to carry the weight of my conviction. When God crushes the compromise out of your heart and all that is left is conviction, you now go out into the world and bleed conviction everywhere. Now, no matter where you find me, wherever you bump into me; there is nothing but conviction that is bleeding out of me.

This is the deep issue in the American church. Too many followers who proclaim to be Christians and they go to church, and they go to bible studies, and they go to conferences, and they listen to podcast, and they read their devotionals, but none of them count the cost of what it is to be a disciple. Jesus said “Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” Following Christ is not a free gift. It is “The” gift of God’s grace. Following Christ will cost you. “For which of you…does not first sit down and count the cost…” Too many American Christians going to altar calls and not enough counting the cost. Too many American Christians getting baptized and not enough counting the cost. Too many American Christians being evangelical influencers online and not enough counting the cost. The American Church is drunk on cheap grace, But Jesus preached a costly discipleship. Are you willing to pay for love if it cost you everything? Are you counting the cost? Or are you living in compromise. Are you negotiating with God’s word. There is no negotiations between the flesh and the word. “Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him.” This is the state of the American Church, because its people is filled to the brim with compromise. That is why The American Christian is a laughing stock, Christ is mocked because His people is a joke.

What was your cost. Where is your cross. Where is your conviction.

“And when they had brought them, they set them before the council. And the high priest questioned them, saying, “We strictly charged you not to teach in this name, yet here you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching, and you intend to bring this man's blood upon us.” But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men. The God of our fathers raised Jesus, whom you killed by hanging him on a tree…” (Acts 5:27-31 ESV)

“and when they had called in the apostles, they beat them and charged them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go. Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name. And every day, in the temple and from house to house, they did not cease teaching and preaching that the Christ is Jesus.” (Acts 5:40-42 ESV)

As you live in the tension of who you are and who God is calling you to be. The tension between your feelings and your theology. You count your cost. You stand on your conviction. When compromise arises in your heart; trust that God is a God of redemption. There will be an other side to the crushing. There will be an other side to the suffering. Be faithful, obedient, and convicted.